Okay, this is why I dislike going to a movie on Friday night.  The girlfriend and I went to see the next class of the Performing Arts in the movie, Fame.  And sure enough, week two Friday night crap ensues.

First, the movie is held in the sketchy screen at the back of the movie theatre so that Toy Story and Toy Story 2 could take up the theatre with the Digital Projector.  And that left the two other releases from this week in the main theatre and the third stadium seating theatre.

So already we're predisposed to crappy conditions but NOOOOO this night had to get even "better."  Alright, we're a bit early, no stop at the candy counter because we just ate dinner and okay there are a few people there already.  

First, there's a family on the right with the wall to their backs … a safe defensive position; then there are the requisite Fame wannabes... taking a row further down from the family.

Then on the left is Granny … who quite possibly hasn't been to see a movie in a quarter century … staring at us as we enter the theatre.  I could almost hear her cackling to herself like the old witch Hazel from the Loony Toons.  Since she's in the last row nearest the door we skip a row or two and sit near the wall.

We get to chatting while we watch the movie slides.  Okay … get some NEW slides.  I have read each and every one of these a hundred times.  UGH!  The theatre owner should at least pony up for a digital version … those download the latest movie trivia for our pre-previews entertainment.  By the second time through the slides the theatre starts to fill up a bit and I begin to entertain the hope that it'll be a respectful crowd.  Alas…

Next, two ladies move in directly behind us.  Most people sit so that those nearest you won't be discomfited by their presence.  You sit behind empty chairs.  You take off your coats before sitting down.  You open your candy before the movie.  Not these two women.  Nope … I thought the one lady was going to strangle herself when she attempted to take off her coat which was trapped under her ass.  One arm off and pulled around her neck while she struggled with the second arm, this was easily a scene out of an old magician's act.  You know the one … where they try to escape from the straight jacket before their air runs out in the box.  It was a close one.

Sadly her companion was completely useless in administering any aid.  "Do this.  Move here," she offered.  I really just wanted to say, "Get your ass off it and then you can breathe again."  But in this day, good Samaritans are seldom rewarded.

After several more people enter and the two women behind us finish settling themselves, sure enough someone enters the row in front of us.  My god … how much candy do you need for ONE PERSON.  This old lady is carrying enough to replenish the honor box at her work.  The woman we presume is her daughter is loaded with a similar amount.

Ah, they alight and there it is … the start sound for every movie … the subtle shifting of the projector port glass as the projectionist enters the booth then the sound of the projector starting up followed by the first commercial hitting the screen.

Commercial?!!

Yup, someone realized that the theatre audience is a captive audience because you can't skip these commercials like you can on your TV thanks to DVRs.  And so I must endure a Sprint ad … and a couple of more … for the life of me I can't unsuppress them from my memory.

A much, much funnier Sprint Commercial:

WOOT!!! Previews! Finally!

Previews are the only legitimate "commercials" that should precede a film.  I don't care if the commercial is a music video for the Marines or the latest hybrid from GM, they do not belong in the theatre.

And of course, during the previews, the two ladies behind us and Granny all start chattering.  HEY!  No lights mean SHUT, THE HELL, UP!  You better be dying back there.  So help me …

And don't you know … they keep it up right through the opening of the movie and Debbie Allen's big speech to the new freshman class.  Supposedly they accepted 200 students out of thousands and only gave the speech to about 30.  But hey, I barely caught that over the Chatterlys.

Finally, they subdue themselves after several people hush them … including themselves.  Huh?  Idiots.

We watch the movie … not worth reviewing because really it's just "Fame, A New Class" … and things finally quiet down.  I didn't know Kelsey Grammer is in the movie along with Megan Mullally and Lilith … er, Bebe Neuwirth.  Good cameos.  Still not worth reviewing but hey, Megan does belt out a song later.

So moving along and during the lulls you can hear the chairs squeaking (sketchy theatre) and the sighs and the thinking … yes, many were thinking they should be watching Zombieland in theatre 1 right now.  

"Oh, no, I'll just take this seat on the end so you don't have to move."  Granny?  When did she leave and come back?  And why is she now doing a Stage Whisper that the people in the next theatre could hear?  It took her a solid 2 minutes of yammering to apologize to two people who sat in her row.  Park it lady!  Zip it!

Finally, the movie's just about to finish and you could hear them all prepping to stand and bail.  Squeaking chairs, restless clothing on clothing sounds, and god forbid, Granny or one of the women behind us have to speak up about how they are going to get themselves together to leave.

The movie ends and unlike many movies this one has people dancing about and their names popping up next to them.  I usually pay attention to these so I can tell who's who and put names to faces.  Not this time … NOOOOO … the two women in front of us pop up and proceed to block out the sun.  Not just the movie but the sun as well.  Then to top it off the daughter feels the need to clear trash from their candy haul via my row.  To do so she violates my personal space and starts grabbing boxes off the ground in front of my feet.

So I miss the name of the spunky friend to Kay Panabaker, a Miss Anna Maria Perez de Tagle.  Even if I had seen it, damn, I don't read that fast … thank you, IMDB.  I couldn't for the life of me remember Lilith's real name so I was waiting to see that … again thank you IMDB.

People need to relearn their manners … theatre etiquette … hell, any etiquette.  Now, you might be saying, "If it bothers you that much, why go to the theatre?"  I go to the movies for the same reason people go to pro football games in zero degree weather in an open stadium in December … I prefer the real thing.  Well, I think I would pass on Lambeau Stadium anytime after September but you get the point.  I love movies.  Movies are typically best seen on a big screen.  See my IMAX homage.

Next time we plan to go to a movie on Friday, it better be a damn good movie on opening night so the audience will respect it.  Really, all that was missing from this outing was a cell phone going off, someone txting or take me back to the old days ... someone lighting up.