Getting Spiked in Penn Yan

Last month my cell phone informed me that it had become obsolete. I assume it was a recording but I did notice a bit of wheezing and a distinct cough on the message. It gave me a deadline of a few weeks away to replace it or it would no longer work.....as it was TDA and had to be GSP or GSA (Girl Scouts of America?) or some quasi-technical jargon like that.Unlike most people who seem to change their cell phones every other day in order to stay stylish, I've had my old non-flip, texting incapable, plain, black "candybar" type phone since '98. I never turn it on except for an emergency or I know someone wants to call me. After all, most times I just don't want to be found. Eight hours a day of being asked questions is quite enough for me, thank-you. Plus I find that true bliss can be in revelling in unimportance. I pay for my cell services as "pay as you go", prepaid service that is, $25.00 every 3 months, and I get to roll over my unused minutes, (currently about $123.00 worth..... Hey, a guys got to save something for his old age.) OK, maybe I'm just cheap, (frugal?) but it works for me.After many conversations with Cingular I discovered that I could not replace my phone over the phone, online, by mail, UPS, Fedex, smoke signals or in any way other than actually showing up at a company owned store. Of course, the Cingular customer service people happily went about giving me store locations that could not or would not help me keep my "cheap" phone operating. As my search area expanded I found that I could either travel to Ithaca or to the East View Mall in Victor. Both an hours drive away. After a couple weeks of ernest procastination I decided to go to East View.Last sunday afternoon I departed my quiet country home and headed on up to the big city. The closer to my destination I came the more I passed numerous strip malls, deserted former big retail stores and their even bigger quadruple sized replacements built right next door. Turning into the mall I discovered I had left my world behind and was entering one where garish mass consumption is worshiped. The platinum card in my wallet quivered with excitement.After a couple of laps, I found a parking place, (Could have used valet parking but I'm "frugal" remember?) and entered through the Bon-Ton store. Now here I can see where contemporary merchandising comes into play: You can't walk through this place without a sherpa to guide you. Your way is blocked everywhere, designed so you must stop to figure out how to get anywhere and while you are stopped, sales people leap out from beneath the wood work to sell you stuff. I fought my way through valiantly and made it out to the mall.Now here I took a wrong turn and hiked about a mile before I stopped to figure out where I was. First observation: Don't expect to find a place to sit down as all the benches are filled by 13 year old girls yakking on cell phones to other 13 year old girls filling up the benches on the other side of the mall. Second observation: If you do find an opening on a bench you don't dare to sit down next to these kids as most likely they would text security and have you taken away as a pervert. OK not all benches are filled with 13 year old girls, the others are filled with mothers and their babies. I can't sit there either as again I fear being taken away. So after turning left at Starbucks, walking another half mile or so straight past another Starbucks, I finally found the Cingular store across from a Starbucks.Five minutes later I left the store with my new phone, a nifty little blue flip phone all set up and ready to go. I found my way back to the Bon-Ton, battled my way through the barrage of displays and more teenage girls trying on way too much make-up, arrived at the exit and..........freedom.Ten minutes later, as I was just leaving the parking lot, the new cell phone rang. A text message from Cingular thanking me for joining the Cingular, (the "new AT&T") system. A tear came to my eye. I had found "family."Later getting home and looking at the contents of the box my new phone came in, I discovered a sheet of stick-on rhinestones and instructions on how to use them to decorate my phone. I then realized that I had just picked out and purchased the phone of .............a 13 year old girl! Oh well...........

Till next time ....Spike