Stories from an Empty Nester

Winter is here, I am sure you all noticed. This year, I had thought the winter blues were chased away and all was bright and sunny, glistening off the driven snow. Yet, I find myself feeling a bit blah as of late. Of course there is the endless job search, grown children with growing pains Momma cannot fix and a car that seems to use money as fuel vs. gas. But something in me says it is truly the winter blues come home to roost again.

I long for a long evening walk to clear my head, icy streets and walks ban that. Yes, I could get inside a gym or store and walk circles like a hamster on a wheel. That is depressing to think of as much as it would be tedious to do. No, I long to see etchings in sidewalks, green on the trees, smell freshly cut grass and the sun on my face. At the end, have a nice ice cold glass of water and sit on the porch and chat until the sun goes down.

I keep busy enough, yet there is a part of me that wants to stretch out even farther, to reach for the proverbial golden ring. I am not sure even what that golden ring would stand for me anymore. Not riches and money, not at least more than I need to be "comfortable". Not a luxury car, or some other form of classic "competing with the Joneses" crap. I have the love I was longing for, even if I didn't know it was what I was looking for. Of course I want my children to be healthy, happy, safe and financially sound. Just seems like there is something I am in search of beyond a job or career and my family/friends to be healthy and happy. Just cannot put a finger on it.

I find myself snapping a lot more since Christmas, not in an overly anxious way. Not in a mean and nasty way, just like a piece of my sense of humor rotted away and here I am. I can usually stem my emotions before they control me. But, at times, either I truly cannot or I just stop trying. Yesterday was one of those days. I can feel when it is coming on, the black cloud of self-destruction and I fend it off as long as I can. Maybe, therein lies the problem...I let it brew instead of venting it off. Maybe I need a boxing bag for these days. That is not to say I want to hit someone when these moods hit. No, I am a lover not a fighter...at least not physically. No, just to release pent up frustration and say, "There! Take that winter blues." Kind of like TKO'ing Frosty the Snowman.

To be sure, I know I have come a long way in the past year. January 15th I went to meeting and signed in for the fire corps. I am a member of and saw the date. One year since surgery to the day. Time flew by and though I am much recuperated, I still feel pain now and again, and was made aware this would happen. The frigid temps go right to bones and the right hamstring contracture. Yet, I don't whine, I just stretch, put heat on my back, my TENS unit, a hot shower...and on and on until it slowly dulls to a minute ache. Occasionally, I will worry that I reinjured it, knowing full well I could not have.

I am on my way to brighter days. Winter won't last forever, a job is in the near future and is closer than it was a year ago. My nerves will settle down, my emotions will ease up and I will be on the back of The Master's bike without a care in the world....I hope. Because it was with him that my sense of humor seem to vanish in a split hair of a second. Stupid, petty crap. I wanted that moment back...you never truly get them back. You can apologize, but that is not a magic eraser either. You can only hope they know you weren't meaning the words crossing your lips, that you cannot suck back in. It wasn't that it was a huge matter, nor anything personal. But, I was wrong and I admitted that. I just know I changed in his eyes for a moment or two. That blank expression on his face of almost no recognition of who I was at that time. I see it now, and hope i didn't do permenant damage.

One last piece of advice....don't cry over a box of spilled spaghetti, look at it as the old game of Pick Up Sticks.