Stories from an Empty Nester

Enchanting Life...

Wed, Jul 8th 2009, 06:58 GMT

I wonder where life is taking me sometimes. I can look back and see where I have been and know where I am at this moment. I never would have guessed in a gazillion years that I would have had another child at this place in my life. But here I am and I am thrillled. As I feel him moving here and there, up and down and sometimes like he is doing back flips...my love for him deepens as it did with my other children. Life growing beneath my heart, still astounds and amazes me as much as it did over 21 years ago. Still, my life is not picture perfect, though at times I have thought it to be so. I know that life is truly never perfect and it can bite you in the ass even at your happiest of times. I feel complete, moreso than ever. I have a wonderful man in my life, though he is not perfect, is a wonderful match for me. We do complete each other and make each other laugh until our sides ache at times. But like every couple, we have our moments of disagreements, discontent and maybe even a touch of suffocation at times when we are together too much. Every couple needs their own space to stretch a bit. I would not trade him for the world. Last year we began to date and I felt like a teenager again. The tender moment of our first real kiss, the moment we told each other we loved one another and the quiet times just sitting together. Which, he will tell you were never really quiet, I inherited my father's gift of gab and story stringing. It's not that I like to hear myself talk, it is that I love to tell stories of days gone by, the people who left me all too soon, my children's accomplishments, etc. Lucky for me this did not scare him off, he loves when I "tell stories". I love watching his face as he listens, and the curling of his lips as he smiles, the laughter in his eyes and the body language he gives off during it all. So, it seems we found something and though it may not be magical in every since of the word, it is enchanting to say the least. But with every enchanting story, there is an evil twist that lies within. We have ours, and we are dealing with it. I won't reveal it on here, but I know that there is a poisoned apple trying to put our love to rest. It won't work. Yes, I am in love with a Prince Charming...but I am no sleeping beauty nor a princess in tattered clothes sweeping chimneys. I am a strong woman and I will champion myself at my Prince's side. I love him dearly. I know he loves me, too. I didn't need the ring on my finger to remind me of that. It doesn't hurt to have that ring...I just know in my heart he loves me. No jewel or paper needed to make mebelieve in him more than I already do. No, I truly do not know where this path is taking me, but I am going to keep on this path and enjoy the journey...even the ugly scenes. Those are few and far between. For the longest time I stopped believing in "happily ever after". Now, I believe in them, but they do not "just happen". You have to work toward them and see them lying ahead. This fit feels right, my toes are not squooshed into the glass slippers, they fit nicely. His hand in mine, my head on his shoulder and we walk side by side. I am not living a fairy tale afterall, it is real life and it is good to be me.

The Filling Up Of An Empty Nest

Fri, May 29th 2009, 07:51 GMT

Wow! I have not blogged since the end of January of this year. Many changes have occured since then. Including...as some of you "forumites" know...that my blog name is not quite appropriate anymore. In late March I found out I am going to be a Mommy again...at the tender age of 43! My youngest is 21 this June and my boyfriend, Larry's youngest is 16 years old. This was not planned, I had myself convinced for a week or so that I was pre-menopausal. I denied the results of not one but two home pregnancy tests, and my bf tried to tell me they were positive. But, one look at my face and he said, "Ok...ok...it is negative...I am going out to the garage." He was calm and not irritaional...unlike me. But, two days later, I made the call to my GYN and it was confirmed...preggers. Shocked as I was, I smiled as the nurse said, "It is positive" and then I repeated that to the GYN...now my OB-GYN. He smiled and nodded, "I heard her." I went out to the waiting room to retrieve my anxious bf and he knew as soon as I opened the door, "It's positive, huh?"...and you could not have peeled the huge smile from his face. We went home and assembled four of our total of six kids. My two boys were unable to be there, one being in Alaska and the other with a sick girlfriend who was having a Lupus flare up. We told them in confidence the news and though shocked they took it with exictement. The other four had been texting and talking trying to guess the reason for the "big FAMILY" meeting...and I stress...FAMILY. Since almost day one, we have considered all of our six kids, three grandkids and ourselves as a family. Sundays are family dinner days, as we know the busy lives of our adult children, this gives us at least one day a week to hopefully be together.Yet, we understand when they have other plans. We made them wait until all four were in the house. Then, my boyfriend made the announcement...we were moving immediately to North Carolina where he was to work for better pay. The faces dropped and like a kindergarten classroom, questions flew in no certain order from all four: who would get what house? Where would the youngest go to school? Larry and I laughed. Finally, Larry admitted he was joking about the move. Then came the "I knew its" and the guesses, "You are engaged", "You're getting married"...and Larry finally hushed them all. Then as he pulled me close, the true announcement, "Barb and I are going to have a baby...she's pregnant." After a silent moment with jaws dropped, eyes widened, the noisy excitement began. My daughter embraced me, his son stunned but joked about the fact his Dad did not heed his own "protection" advice and Dad answered, "Do as I say...NOT as I do!" On and on for a few minutes of hysterics and then the "planning" began, all three girls were planning a baby shower...then it was a vote on the sex of this tiny peanut in my womb...at the end of it the vote was in, five kids said boy and my daughter said a girl. Larry and I didn't vote, we just want a healthy baby. Well..not long after Larry revealed he hoped it was a boy...lol. It has been over two months since then. The morning sickness has just about passed, I am feeling a lot better and despite a moment (over a week, actually!)of fear when I began spotting...that has stopped and I am already popping out. Tears cried over putting skinny clothes away, fears of being rejected because i got "fat" and the scared part of me over labor and delivery were vanquished time and again by Larry. My kids remain supportive, too much at times. Afraid to come to me with life's problems so as not to "stress me out". Bah! I am still their Mom as well as a new Mommy to be. The same week I found out I was expecting, I interviewed as a nurse for a part time per diem position and got the job. Oh boy! I was fearful I would not make it through training with morning sickness and all, but I did. Even though I had to miss a week of work on bed rest for the spotting, my employers understood and told me the baby and I come first...my job would still be there. I am now officially done training, save for being trained in blood draw for labs at another place. I made it through those tough weeks, both the morning sickness and the training. Though at some point I will have to change the name of my blog...I suppose...I have not truly had an empty nest in almost a year. My daughter and her sons moved in with me last summer, then I moved in with Larry. His youngest son lives here as does his daugher and grand daughter. I remember clearly one winter's Sunday making breakfast, my youngest son came in and smiled at me as I washed dishes while finishing breakfast up and starting the dinner. "So, Mom how does feel to have a family to care for once again...to make meals and such?". I exhaled and smiled, "Wonderful." My family is even more complete now as my son who was stationed in Alaska with the Army is officially home, not on leave, but for good. He will join the reserves in August and start college in the fall. It still amazes me when he walks through my door for a visit, a meal or to do laundry. I can tell you, I don't mind mid-laundry when he has to run "errands for an hour or so" and I finish his laundry. I feel...well, complete. For awhile with the tiredness and morning sickness that could last all day, I didn't feel like me. Too tired to cook good meals or on bed rest and not able to be up and about, I would cry. Larry would reassure me that I most definitely was me and that I would again feel as though I was. He would smile and say, "Awww...the hormones of it all!". I would laugh because I knew he was right and I know he loves me. So, here we are over two years later since I started this blog....an empty nest no more. This is from my second blog....and it is foretelling of the future...peace and quiet...LOL! Here we go again !! ...Still, I look back and hear myself in frustration calling out to them, "Kids, all i want is a little peace and quiet!" Well, I got it. Though it was not what it was cracked up to be at first. I am enjoying it. Except for when the dog and cat decide to play tag and I yell at them, "Can't I get a little peace and quiet?" And like my kids, they stop for a second and then resume the barking, the hissing and the play. Ain't life grand?... now I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet...joining in unison with his or her nephews and niece...lol.

Nagging At Myself....

Fri, Jan 30th 2009, 08:40 GMT

Yes, I am yearning for spring as the snow continues to pile up. Not just because the bitter cold gets to me, not just because of the "winter blues " or the want of riding on the back of a bike crusing down back country roads. No, it is far more pressing to me to get out and walk in nature. The body and the mind are calling for it. I have decided that though it may be slippery out, I cannot sit back on my laurels any longer. I will start walking...be it indoors or out. I want to maintain all that I have strived for over the last year, not only for my back and good health, but for my ego as well. A boost to the self esteem is being screamed for in the recesses of my mind as I seek employment, a clean home and peace of mind. No, I have not begun to look as I once did before the weight loss. A careful morning revue in the mirror tells me that. Yet, there is a nagging in me saying, "You are slipping...even if ever so slightly...you are slipping." The scales say I am not "slipping that bad". Yet, I know that that is denial of true facts. I have gained a few pounds, Christmas excuse isn't all that plausible to me anymore. I have been "careful", but not overly so. I indulge in things I like, but not on a daily basis to an extreme. I still count my servings. I use smaller plates. I won't double indulge in one day...ok, sometimes I have. This is myself being honest with me. One of the hardest feats known to mankind. So, today...out came the notebook, logged into calorie counting sites, calculated my new BMR(Basica Metabolic Rate) and found my calorie needs just to wake up and breathe...but that will only maintain this weight. Onto the AMR (Active Metabolic Rate)...and there goes 500 calories a day. Yes, I calculated my calories burned as well based on my activity level and with walking one mile a day. Total of 250 burned. But I am not counting them in the equation at this time. No, because the walking may not occur each day...and it it does..BONUS! Master's face turned quizzical as I careful measured margarine for my whole grain raisin toast. Every calorie counts now. Even the 2% milk in my coffee. Mental note: pick up Fat Free Milk. Now, do not get me wrong, I am not looking to slim down in any magnificent weight loss. Just what I gained... then the pounds needed to get to my goal. Total of nine pounds. My clothes still fit...the bf is always telling me to buy a belt for the loose jeans. I kinda like 'em slipping down...lol. Weird? Yep. But it makes me feel thinner. (Oh...before your imagination runs...they never fall off completely!). Another form of denial, I guess. I just know that now that I see that I have gained "ever so slightly"...it is noticable to me. That is what is most important to me. That I do not feel good about me. It will effect every other are of my life. I am not talking about swimsuit season, or looking great on the back The Master's Bike. I am talking about my attitude towards me, presenting myself for employment opportunites and actually being in a job. I am taking all sorts of course on boosting positive thinking, problem solving, thinking things through and it is high time I put them to the test. I am my own worse critic. I woke this morning nagging at myself...but almost headed in the wrong directions. Pout about. Starve yourself. Among other thoughts, these actually went through my head. Along with blaming others, "Well...I just ate that because he/she/they did/do....blah blah blah." Nope...all cop outs. Not the new and improved me I have worked on for a few years now. Time to get back to work on me. If in the end I happen to look better in a bikini, on Master's bike, or just in a nice pair of tight fitting jeans...I will gladly face those consequences. Oh, one question? Anyone know the amount of calories burned typing up a blog on FL1?

Let Spring Come Early...

Fri, Jan 23rd 2009, 06:20 GMT

Winter is here, I am sure you all noticed. This year, I had thought the winter blues were chased away and all was bright and sunny, glistening off the driven snow. Yet, I find myself feeling a bit blah as of late. Of course there is the endless job search, grown children with growing pains Momma cannot fix and a car that seems to use money as fuel vs. gas. But something in me says it is truly the winter blues come home to roost again. I long for a long evening walk to clear my head, icy streets and walks ban that. Yes, I could get inside a gym or store and walk circles like a hamster on a wheel. That is depressing to think of as much as it would be tedious to do. No, I long to see etchings in sidewalks, green on the trees, smell freshly cut grass and the sun on my face. At the end, have a nice ice cold glass of water and sit on the porch and chat until the sun goes down. I keep busy enough, yet there is a part of me that wants to stretch out even farther, to reach for the proverbial golden ring. I am not sure even what that golden ring would stand for me anymore. Not riches and money, not at least more than I need to be "comfortable". Not a luxury car, or some other form of classic "competing with the Joneses" crap. I have the love I was longing for, even if I didn't know it was what I was looking for. Of course I want my children to be healthy, happy, safe and financially sound. Just seems like there is something I am in search of beyond a job or career and my family/friends to be healthy and happy. Just cannot put a finger on it. I find myself snapping a lot more since Christmas, not in an overly anxious way. Not in a mean and nasty way, just like a piece of my sense of humor rotted away and here I am. I can usually stem my emotions before they control me. But, at times, either I truly cannot or I just stop trying. Yesterday was one of those days. I can feel when it is coming on, the black cloud of self-destruction and I fend it off as long as I can. Maybe, therein lies the problem...I let it brew instead of venting it off. Maybe I need a boxing bag for these days. That is not to say I want to hit someone when these moods hit. No, I am a lover not a fighter...at least not physically. No, just to release pent up frustration and say, "There! Take that winter blues." Kind of like TKO'ing Frosty the Snowman. To be sure, I know I have come a long way in the past year. January 15th I went to meeting and signed in for the fire corps. I am a member of and saw the date. One year since surgery to the day. Time flew by and though I am much recuperated, I still feel pain now and again, and was made aware this would happen. The frigid temps go right to bones and the right hamstring contracture. Yet, I don't whine, I just stretch, put heat on my back, my TENS unit, a hot shower...and on and on until it slowly dulls to a minute ache. Occasionally, I will worry that I reinjured it, knowing full well I could not have. I am on my way to brighter days. Winter won't last forever, a job is in the near future and is closer than it was a year ago. My nerves will settle down, my emotions will ease up and I will be on the back of The Master's bike without a care in the world....I hope. Because it was with him that my sense of humor seem to vanish in a split hair of a second. Stupid, petty crap. I wanted that moment back...you never truly get them back. You can apologize, but that is not a magic eraser either. You can only hope they know you weren't meaning the words crossing your lips, that you cannot suck back in. It wasn't that it was a huge matter, nor anything personal. But, I was wrong and I admitted that. I just know I changed in his eyes for a moment or two. That blank expression on his face of almost no recognition of who I was at that time. I see it now, and hope i didn't do permenant damage. One last piece of advice....don't cry over a box of spilled spaghetti, look at it as the old game of Pick Up Sticks.

Mudpies and Such

Sun, Dec 28th 2008, 07:31 GMT

There are times I miss being a child. When you could open a gift, any gift and make it magical. I mean, take a toddler who is more fascinated by the sounds of crinkling wrapping paper or the empty boxes than the toys they received. The inspiration and imagination they draw off the paper, the boxes and sometimes, even the toys themselves. I could see giving a four year old child a box full of dirt, not the comercial "Magic Sand", but plain old dirt from the backyard. I could see a girl adding water and making mud pies for her dollies or a boy using it as an arena for his newly acquired Matchbox cars, spinnning the tires. But, give an adult a box of dirt, and they will be offended. We have lost our imaginative thought process, or at least some of it. Plant a big old red bow on the box of dirt and you still have, well...a box full of dirt. We rarely would ever think of planting a seed and making a box garden. No, that is not where our thought process goes. It goes to the opposite end of the spectrum, disappointment. Well, maybe not for all adults...but I am sure for most. Including myself. I have no scientific data to relate on this subject. Just a thought I was piecing together on my walk this morning. No, I didn't give anyone a gift they were truly disappointed in. No, that's not the case at all. I loved all of my gifts as well. I just related a gift of this type to the feeling I am having over some issues in my life: how do you overcome something that isn't real, but you still cannot shake the feeling? How can I make mudpies out of something that is grinding on my nerves? A pretty little bow makes appear all fine and dandy, but the image of the gift is still as ugly as ever. I took that walk because the sun gave me hope, and walking clears my head most times. I did feel better at the end of the walk, but a nagging still tugs on me. I counted my blessings, thank god for the beautiful day for a long awaited walk and told myself time and time again, "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill." I won't. Just seems lately, there are alot of mole hills in my backyard. Starts to grate on one's nerves after awhile. Yet, I let them set there...untouched, not spoken of, just....there. Give me a big ol' pile of dirt, a little rain water and I will make mudpies. Throw in some old fashion Tonka trucks and I will have a blast just as I did in my youth...girl or not. I just have to find that imaginative thought process and sort out this dirt pile as one that is fleeting, and let that rain water wash it all away. Before the dirt pile becomes too large and I begin to shake. The inevitable avalanche to follow, sure to end my sorrows...and bring on new ones. I won't be that child again, so I have to let my feelings grow. Good or bad, let them unfold and deal with them as they come. Let the rain fall, afterall....you have to have rain to make a rainbow. I am starting to feel the sunshine again. Bring on the rainbows, mudpies and watch me ride off in the sunset in a 4X4 Tonka Truck.